Thinking Together: Supporting Young People to Learn, Not to Fear

In residential care, we work with some of the most remarkable young people — those who have often faced more in their early years than many adults do in a lifetime. Early experiences of trauma, loss, or instability can make it harder for young people to manage strong emotions or behaviour when things go wrong. Their brains and bodies have learned to protect them, not necessarily to regulate calmly or trust easily.

 

It’s natural to want to teach accountability and help children learn from mistakes. Regulations for children’s homes and education settings talk about sanctions, but in practice, sanctions alone rarely change behaviour. For young people who have experienced fear, rejection, or inconsistent care, a sanction can reinforce feelings of shame — and shame is deeply debilitating.

 

Shame shuts down learning. It triggers a sense of worthlessness and, for care-experienced young people, a fear of being “gotten rid of.” For children who have lived through unpredictable relationships, even a small sign of disapproval can feel like the start of abandonment.

 

That’s why collaboration and support are key. When we approach a situation with empathy rather than blame, we show young people that we are not giving up on them — even when things go wrong.

 

“Thinking Together” is one of the most powerful tools we can use. It’s about supporting a young person to reflect on what happened in a way that works for them. It might not be a formal sit-down conversation at all — it could be a chat during a drive, a walk together, or even a game of Uno. What matters is that the environment reduces the intensity of a formal conversation and helps the young person feel safe enough to talk and think.

 

 “Sometimes, the conversation is the consequence — because understanding and connection impact behaviour far more than punishment or sanctions ever can.”
— Dr Leanne Johnson

 

Records of the discussion can always be completed afterwards — the priority in the moment is connection and repair, not paperwork.

 

While natural and logical consequences can be helpful — for example, cleaning up something broken, or making amends to someone hurt — they are not always necessary. Sometimes, the most effective “response” is simply a conversation that helps the young person understand why things happened and how they can feel safer and more in control together next time.

 

This approach:

 

A consistent, calm, and collaborative adult is the most therapeutic intervention we can offer. When staff respond with understanding instead of anger or withdrawal, young people begin to internalise safety. Over time, they learn that relationships can be reliable — that even after conflict, repair is possible.

 

This is how healing happens. Not through sanctions or fear of loss, but by putting relationships first, building skills, and thinking together — helping young people feel safe enough to learn, grow, and believe in positive futures.